As I was listening to an instructor in a common area of our school this week, I saw a student that I have been trying to catch for days. I stopped listening to the instructor, turned toward the student, had a brief conversation about scheduling a time to meet, then turned back to the instructor to continue our conversation. How do you think the instructor felt? Where was my focus?

Writing a blog post about character traits is more difficult than I anticipated. As I pondered on what it means to be attentive, I realized that this is an area in which I can greatly improve. While I would like to provide examples of how I excel in each of the skills that demonstrate attentiveness, I’m afraid I now catch myself when I am doing the opposite. My hope is that you will learn from my mistakes and that you will forgive me of my shortcomings as I strive to improve in this month’s Character Trait-Attentiveness.

There are benefits of being attentive that can greatly improve relationships and reduce the number and intensity of problems that need solving. Being attentive, which includes active listening, reduces the chance of misunderstanding. When we actively listen to others, they feel more comfortable opening up to us and we are better able to identify the root area of agreement and disagreement. Additionally, there is less likelihood of creating tension, and feelings of defensiveness diminish when we practice active listening. Overall, we improve our relationships when we are attentive.

So what does attentiveness look like? It looks like focused communication. Communication consists of body language, tone of voice, and the words we choose. Regardless of the specific percentages for each, we know effective communication when we see it. We learn a lot from each other just by observing body language and hearing tone. So I will begin with attentive body language.

It is not uncommon for me to interact with others when I’m in the middle of a task or on the move from one place to another. This is not a good practice if I want to communicate that I value what others have to say. To improve in this area, I need to stop and face the person straight on and avoid fidgeting and other distracting movements. I need to make eye contact and be mindful of my facial expressions; smiling is beneficial most of the time. Nodding communicates that I am with them in the conversation and does not necessarily mean agreement with a specific point being made.

An important challenge for me to overcome is ignoring distractions. I cannot multitask and communicate that the person in front of me is a priority at the same time. This means closing my door to interruptions, ignoring my phone, and stepping away from my computer. I want others to know I am interested and am fully engaged in the conversation with them.

The final area I am working on is knowing when to speak and not to speak. It is beneficial to ask clarifying questions. However, the timing can make all the difference in how the question is received. I need to wait until the person is finished making their statement. This requires patience, because pausing to take a breath does not mean the same as “I’m finished making my statement.” If I allow time for reflection, and repeat what I have understood, then I am able to confirm understanding. This should happen before I begin to make my talking points. This is an area I struggle with and I am making an effort to avoid interrupting.

As I strive to improve my skills of attentiveness, I am encouraged. We developed the abilities to be attentive as early as six-months of age, when we learned to make eye contact. Additionally, intentional practice of these skills will make me a more attentive supervisor, coworker, wife, daughter, and friend. These are all relationships I hope to foster and grow as I become more attentive. I hope you will join me in the journey to improve our relationships by being more attentive as well.

“Without continual growth and progress, such words as improvement, achievement, and success have no meaning.” ~Benjamin Franklin

Originally published in the Owasso Reporter