I can’t give what I don’t have. About 5 years ago I memorized Colossians 3:12-14, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” I started this as a reminder to help me remember when I find it difficult to forgive someone to “forgive as the Lord has forgiven me.”

It’s not a surprise to me that what I struggle with the most in my life is the character trait I chose to write about. Forgiveness touches me in my core because I can forgive someone else for their wrongs or mistakes even when they directly affect me, but not when it comes to forgiving myself. If holding onto self-condemnation was an academic achievement, then I would have a Ph.D.

My marriage has taught me a lot about forgiveness. My bride is the most forgiving person I have ever known. As we approach our 10th wedding anniversary next month; her willingness to let go hurts, hang-ups, and habits for the deepening restoration of our marriage is a real example of being “Christ-like.” In other words, “forgiveness is another word for letting go” –Matthew Fox.

My bride’s examples of forgiveness have helped me as I have become a father and a stay-at-home dad to our two beautiful daughters named Journey and Justice. Forgiveness is a lesson our kids need to learn from a young age. When I model God’s forgiveness to Journey and Justice, they discover that my love for them is unconditional and there is nothing they can do to earn it. Just like their Heavenly Father’s love, it is a gift. We all sin and fall short of the Glory of God, but once a transgression has been addressed, it needs to be forgotten.

Susan St. James said, “Having resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.” Forgiveness is key in redefining an image. Forgive the people that hurt you. Forgive the boss that did you wrong. Forgive the friend who betrayed you. Forgive the parent that mistreated you when you were younger. Get rid of all that poison. Don’t let the root of bitterness grow deeper and continue to contaminate your life. What does this toxic waste look like in your life?

For some people, it seeps out as anger. In others, it looks like depression. For others, it reeks of low self-esteem. You are not forgiving the people that hurt you for their sake, but for your sake. You are forgiving in order to not carry that baggage around. I could forgive others, I could pray to God and ask Him to forgive me, however I couldn’t forgive myself.

Did I hold myself at a higher level than God? Did I expect more from my life than God? Then why couldn’t I forgive myself? Because the alternative is “without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.”- Roberto Assagioli.

On December 12, 2006, I sat down at my dinner table, and I wrote a letter to myself. I addressed it “Dear Jonathan Oliver.” In the letter, I expressed all of my could haves, would haves, and should haves. I expressed my regrets and remorse. I wrote from my heart, and I let it all out. After I finished writing the letter, I read it out loud. Then I typed it out, signed it and dated it. Finally, I put it in a frame and placed it on top of my bookcase beside my college degree.

“Dear Jonathan Oliver-

I am sorry for making you feel so ashamed. I am sorry for not having more faith in you and for doubting you. I know that I have caused you a lot of pain and sadness in your life. I apologize for keeping you detached from reality because I had you confused and lost in fantasy. I regret not allowing you to be fully present and faithful in your past relationships. I am sorry for the physical pain and disgrace I have done to your body. I am remorseful of the separation I brought between God and you. I am sorry for causing you to have low self-esteem and feel unworthy of success. I regret the money I caused you to spend and the time you wasted on trying to make me happy. I am sorry for holding you back from being honestly present when being with your family. I apologize for not allowing you to be focused on living your dreams by doing God’s will with the gifts and talents He has so graciously blessed you with. I apologize for making you feel so afraid and shameful of doing your best to please me instead of God.

I can’t give back yesterday Jonathan, and for that, I am truly sorry. What I will give you and express from my heart is the love I have for you today and the rest of my life. I love you, Jonathan Oliver. I sincerely love you.

Faithful and True,

Jonathan Oliver”

Now, that I have genuinely felt the freedom of self-forgiveness when I think that I am being too hard on myself or that there is no way my situation could improve, I reread that letter addressed “Dear Jonathan Oliver.” “Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.”- Hannah Arendt. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is forgiveness.