I think we all, at some time or another, have had moments when we were less than attentive. For me, my kryptonite is sports. My wife, Sennola, has learned not to even try to talk to me when I’m engrossed in a game. Sometimes though, she’ll give it a shot, and she’ll start telling me about something that happened in her day. I “hear” her, but unfortunately, I’m not listening. She’ll stop in the middle of her story and say, “You’re not listening to me, are you?” While still looking at the game, I’ll reply with “Uh yes…I am.” Then she says “What did I just say?” And I’ll respond with, “You said something about…a class assignment?”. Guilty as charged. There are other times when she can tell that my mind is totally somewhere else, and she’ll ask, “Hey, where are you?”

Attentiveness means to be present. When someone demonstrates attentiveness, they are showing the worth of a person or task by giving their undivided concentration. Another way of viewing attentiveness is to make every effort to “attend” a task or person’s life with our awareness, genuineness, and energy. Our attentiveness makes others feel special and important, because they can tell that we are engaged in what is important to them, at least for that moment.

Attentiveness is often played out in the arena of communication. I’ll never forget something a marriage counselor explained at a marriage retreat my wife and I attended years ago. He was talking about how couples tend to communicate, especially during intense conversations. He said when one spouse begins to speak, the other spouse catches only about the first 20% of what their spouse is saying. The remaining 80% of the time they have tuned out their spouse in order to frame their rebuttal argument. The result is, when this spouse gets the chance to speak, their rebuttal is based only on 20% of what their spouse shared. As they now speak, their spouse does the same 20 to 80 percent thing to them, resulting in an endless cycle of ineffective communication.

Originally published in the Owasso Reporter January 2022